shayna00

My baby is at work, I miss him, I'm not tired..and bored.

I really should be working on my room but I cleaned out my whole dresser and got rid of a bunch of crap so thats enough for tonight.
I've got so much cool stuff for it now though. I'm excited.

Um I really dont have anything to write about.

I have work in like...somewhat hours..haha...shush. But not to long.
So I should sleep.
Butttt I can't.
Anyway, my jobs going good. I really like it.
I'm not sick of it.
And I atcually plan on staying there for quite a long time.
Specially where it would be dumb to quit and not find any job that would pay as much.
I really do like it though.
I got my very own desk today:) I need a calender and pics to hang up.
So I can make the little space my own.
Haha, I'm such a losa.
But cha.

So Ronn and I are trying to move out but its hard to apply cuz we are always working or asleep when places are open.
I'm going to try to do it again sometime soon though.
We'll probably end up living at home for at least a few more months anway cuz hes got a few things he needs to pay for.

Um um.
I dont know.
Christmas is gonna be kinda soon. I'm excited. I'm gonna get skylee cute stuff. and Ronn cuz hes cute.
And just cha.

Halloween was last week. I wore jozis lollipop girl costum it was pretty cute.
I love halloween.
I got a bunch of halloween stuff to decorate with so I'm gonna set up my room all cool.
um um.

Things are going pretty good with everything anyway I guess. I normally have money now so thats cool. I've been hanging out with people...Ronns had some fun shows. I really like that and stuff. And things with him are good. I love him so much. He really makes being in a relashionship easy. I really want to keep him forever. yesyes.

ummm hiiiii.
ok goodnight :)

I dont want to go to work today.
I feel kind of depressed.
I dont know why.
Not that bad though, Just a little.
I miss Ronn so much.
Hes been so sweet the last few days.
Atcually looking at me and such.
I want to move out like nowww.
I want to live with him.
I wrote down a bit list of apartments.
I'm gonna see when he can go look at them with me.
And then we can call and go look and see
If any will accept us.
The ones Ryan and Sabrina live in Sabrina said
That they probably will. So I hope so.
Sexxxx.
But cha.
Moving out with be cool.
I want to be able to set up my apartment and blah blah.
Thats something I didn't get to do when I moved out last time.
I wanted to but Bradys brothers stuff was always in the front room.
And when Brady wanted to wait tell we got a bed for me to get
A night stand and such.
So basicly nothign was sit up and it was depressing to live there
kinda.
So yeah I'm excited to make an atcual apartment.
It will be cuttte.
I'm excited to come home and be with Ronn.
and to take care of Skylee.
and just cha.
do do do do do do.
I know it has its downs too, as everything does.
Like living on your own and all that crap.
I know.
Don't think Im ignoring all that.
Or ill kill you.
Yesssss. Killll.
Im such a loser.
A tired loser.
Im gonna shutup now and sit here and stare at myspace.
Cuz I'm bored and my baby is asleep probably.

I dont know why I was randomly thinking of this.
Well atcually, maybe I do.
I was thinking about how every lies...like..if not about big things. at least little things.
Which got me thinking the only person I really knew that didn't really even lie about little things was Brady.
Which led to me thinking about random things. and kinda makes me feel sick now.
I admit he didn't lie about much, but in the end ...he really did. And didn't care that much.
Maybe I pushed him to that somehow. But still. I guess I just relized that.
I guess that led to a random thought about how when he changed his myspace a few nights before we went on a break for the last time and i looked at his "here for" section and it said "Friends, Long term relashionships, etc..."...
and I was like..."what?!"...why did you put that? I thought you didn't wanna date other people and such. Cuz we still were in love and blah.
And hes just like...oh when you make a new account (cuz he made a new account that night) ..it just automatcily checks those things and he just didn't notice to uncheck the ones he didn't want.
But thats not how it is when you make an account. It leaves everything unchecked.
I dont know why I just ranomdly thought of that one thing and relized everyone. everyone lies.
I want to have a friend that feels like they dont even have to lie about the simplist things.
I want to work on my relashionship with everyone. and of course my boyfriend the most. (not that we lie to each other, or that its bad).
But I dont want anyone to feel like they have to lie to me even about the littlest things. Because when you have that...in the end its always better. No matter if those little things you are honest about are a little hard to be honest about...you really trust each other more in the end becuase you know you do tell each other everything
I want a completely honest relatoinship with absolutly everyone.

I'm drinking a rockstar. I haven't drank one sence the apartment.
Sence the hookah.
Its odd.
Brings back memories.
But I'm happy.
do do do.

Music makes me happy.
Seriously. Even if I'm not in a good mood.
When I listen to music...mostely upbeat..no matter what it gives you hope.
At least for me.
It makes me feel like I can do things I want to.
Its seriously the one thing that always makes me happy, besides love, in some way or another.
I want to make music more.
It has such a big influence on my life that I want to be able to create it.
Which is completely understandable.
I applied at a few more places tonight and as soon as I get a job
I decided I'm going to take guitar lessons and buy a nice guitar.
and hopefully find some people to start a band with, rather I play guitar or keyboard.
Im sure not guitar cuz I won't be good enough yet, but yeah.
I also want to learn drums, but that would take longer to aquire because they are expensive.
I might infact want to go for that first though, I think I'd naturally be better at drums.
and I'd love it.
oh so much.
yesyes.
I'm in a good mood.
I can't wait to start school.
My moms home teacher is supposed to bring me the info.
So I hope she does soon, cuz I really want to.
I know how much stuff I need to atcually do with my life, and I know I need to get on it soon, otherwise things won't work out and it will be kinda depressing.
And I dont want to just do it for me. I want to do it for Ronn too. Because he deserves to be with someone who atcually goes to school and is going to do soemthign and make a lot of money.
And I know its better for your relashionship when you're doing something with yourself weather then just sitting there not doing anything productive at all. and I want everything to be the best.
Wow, I type fast. its funnnn.
ok but cha. I love you.
Night for now.
Dang I really never know how to end these stupid things.

I have such a hard time getting myself to write journals.
Even though I know I should.
I just try and think well...what am I going to write about?
And I can't figure it out. Cuz for like the last year my emotions have always been wierd and I dont like to try and sort through them because it even confuses me.
I miss Ronn.
Its harder now that he works during night..cuz I'm up then..and no one else is so I'm basicly stuck at home most of the time when hes at work and it just makes me miss his cute face more.
Yesturday I did go somewhere though. I went to James and Brady wanted to hang out so him and Tyler and their friend Patrick came over to James.
It was pretty fun. They were on Acid though...but oh well.
We drank a little...only a little though..and yeah.
It was cool to hang out with them again. I love that Brady and I dont sit and argue like other exs do though. But thats probably because we never did. We've always got along good.
Anyway, we listened to techno and such and then went to Tylers house to hang out.
They did a bunch of light shows and such and then we went out to watch the sun rise and yeah it was pretty cool. Then I went to go meet Ronn at my house cuz he got off work and was upset at me for hanging out with them all night ...which i understand. But I didn't do anything wrong. I just hung out with people. Thats all...but I still feel horrible that it made him upset. It makes me worry about him not trusting me and much and stuff like that and I dont want that. I want him to trust me becuase he has no reason not to.
Anyway it was pretty fun and I was really glad I got to see Ronn in the morning when he got off of work.
I miss him so much right now. And I hope he knows how much I love him.
yesyes.

I can't stop thinking about you today.
I love you.

Hmmm. So I havn't wrote for a long time. yes yes......
So yesturday was warped tour. It was really fun.
The sun freaking sucks though. My head hurts...cuz its sunburned haha...but it is tottaly worth it.
I really like aiden now. and I got really awesome pictures of silverstien and aiden. Yayyyy.
Yesturday was just fun. yes yes. alskdjfasldfjasldfj. Im so glad I have Ronn. He is such a sweet boyfriend. He stood behind me during the academy is and he doesn't really even know them but he like stayed there for them and atcually acted like he liked being there...Im just really glad I got to go with him.
I miss him really bad now though. Goodness. I love him more and more everday...no matter what happens.
I really can't wait to move out...and live with him. and just be able to not live with my mom and such...not for the fact that its her...(ok kinda) haha...but for the fact im supporting myself and such. Not that she gives much support...but yeah.
Oh so james lives with me now. His mom kicked him out so we've been even better friends lately so its pretty cool. Hes gonna try and move in with his brother soon though...cuz I'm sure my mom isn't down with him staying here for TOO long.
So I have to find a new job now..and Ronn does too..then save a little and then move out and then I can start workign on a diffrent car for us and he can work on getting him a guitar cuz he really wants a new one and I want him to be able to do that cuz its what he really wants.

I'm so happy with everything right now. Its great.
And I can honestly say that. Before I was saying that..but I really wasn't happy with everything. I thought I was. But in the back of my mind I wasn't.
I've been having so much fun with everything.
And yeah, I owe most of the credit to Ronn.
He is so fun and amazing to be around. He really does put faith back into me for people. I really didn't think there was anyone left out there who could be as good as I needed them to be. As honest and faithful and real of a person. And he goes beyond that. I really hate being away from him. Like today...Im going insane. All I can really think about is him...and wanting to be around him. I can't wait tell he gets off work...oh my gosh I think my tummy just jumped! I need to see him!
EEEE!
So I guess I should catch up. My bday was really fun. Ronn got me a bunch of cute camping stuff. And we just all hung out at my house. Brady and him even got along while they were here, which was good. And Jen was here:). Shes cute and stuffff. and Yeah, we just got really drunk and Ronn was being all cute. He wanted to cum on my face. muwahaha. and he asked me to marry him when he was drunk haha, it was cute. and yes i really want to. It was the most fun I had had in a while....
Anyway then we did that again on his bday and lots of stuff happened. But it was like just as fun and stuff...and we got to drink blue vodka and such and Ronn and I got to have drunk sex, WOO....and get a condom stuck up in me...Im tottaly not going into detail with that one though....but yeah. I kissed korin..or rather she kissed me a few times..and Ronn kissed sarath...and james even kissed sarath! I like all of his friends a lot...they are really cool...i hope they like me too. yuppp. hahahaha..it was funny.
But yeah good times...I really enjoy like every minute of being with Ronn weather we are really doing anything or not. I love even just laying with him. and I hope he doesn't think he needs to entertain me.
Oh I got a job at walgreens! I start morrow...Im excited. Its gonna be neat getting paid again haha..and then Imma try and save as much as I can so Ronn and I can move out and such...cuz I really want to do that...to not only get out of my house and be on my own again but to also be around him more..and feel whole and such.
dododoodododo.
Im done for now cuz my moms yelling for me to come help her.
I lovessss you guys and stufff
lovelovelovelovelakjsdfl;aksjfdl;asjdfaosi8f3lk!!!

I dont know why, oh wait...yes I do. I randomly started looking at brunos myspace cuz he had sent me a message that said something about one of my friends stalking vince so I was looking to see if I could see anything about it on his page.
Anyway, It is makeing me feel sick, in a way. Like...seein him and leila break up..and knowning exactly what she went through...and exactly how he is...it just reminds me...and I know hes not bad or anything now but its grosses me out to think i was with him....ahh ewww. I know taht sounds mean, like I could see myself being friends with him now...but NEVER EVER anything more and i dont see how i handled it before. But oh well. The point is looking at his page is making me miss Ronn so much.
Im so freaking thankful for him. and that I just have him now.
But now my tummys all blah blah alksjf;alskgjf lame cuz I miss him a lot a lot.
I love him so much ahh and I love to be with him more then anything.
So today he had band practice and I took him and went and such and it was really cool. I don't know if he knows I enjoyed it or not but I did. I atcually really got into the music when they'd play the songs they have done. And I really do like being around his friends. They remind me of mine and they are atcually really cool so yayyyy. Theres tons of good stuff they could all do too as long as they dont get to frustrated with each other and such. Like Ryans voice is really good and Ronn comes up with really creative lines and is really good and cha. Hes the best of course, cuz he is Ronn, but yeah. hehh. a;lskgjf;laskjf. I am really excited for their first show. I'll be like aslkdjfa;lskjf983u!!
Anyway and and um yesturday I was at ronns and we just hung out there for a while and i got to play with skylee for a while and that was fun. We played with all her toys and she insisted on showing me each and everyone hahah...it was cute though. We built and cooked stuff and such. I really really do care about her.
buttt i should end this and go to sleep cuz im SO tired its like...whoa.
so yess im done for now:)

oh my geee. Im sooo happy you have no idea.
Im literly like...making noises out loud.
I just read Ronns live journal and he amazes me.
I dont even have words for how much he does.
Like im having a hard tiem even thinking of writing cuz I dont think I could write out how i feel.
I love Ronn with all my heart. I seriously didn't think Id say that again after brady...at least for a long long time.
But Ronn is more then Brady was. I can't explain it but he is like..perfect with me. Everything he thinks and wants is what ive been wanting and knowing i need to do. But not knowing if i can or if i was right.
But being around him puts an assurance on everything.
His journal made my stomach jump like a bagillion times from how sweet it was.
He makes me feel the exact same way.
I want to give him everything that everyone else hasn't. and everythign that he deserves. I want to see him being the happiest person ever. And Ill do anything to make that possible.
I love him in every way. I love his smile. and his eyes. and his teeth, yes, your teeth ronn. haha. and the way you bite on your lip and dont notice it. and how he has such compassoin for everything. Hes the kindest person ive ever met. And i dont think he purposly does it but he pushes me to be who ive been trying to be so hard lately and no one else has been there for me on it. But he has. and it helps a lot that thats what hes trying to do too. So we can be here for each other.
He amazes me and I when im away from him I can't wait tell i can be there holding him again.
I love him with all my heart.
And I always want to be with him.

Ronn, you're incredible and it makes me so happy that you said you're believeing in yourself again and i really hope you are, because you have every reason too.
Im always here for you.

Wow, Until the last three nights I didn't relize how badly im glad Im not with Brady anymore. Yeah, I relized that before. But its tottaly hit me like x098907078897 times more.
I just read his blog from blogger.com or whatever. and it really made me mad and made me loose all the respect for him I did have. He said in it I never did anything he told me too...when I did so much for him..and wanted to do everythign for him. and so that really upsets me. Not for the fact I care about him, but just for the fact that thats so incredibily wrong. At least he doesn't really have anything else to say.

Anyway, reading that brought tears to my eyes, for the fact that i can't believe how much happier I am now. I seriously never thought I would of said that like 6 months ago. Like....ever. I was willing to give up everything for him.

But yeah...ahhh. Img so glad we broke up so now im not with him and now i can have the best person ever.

Ronn is amazing. x9870878960876876. Last night he came over and we watched boondock saints and I seriously had less of an idea of what was going on at the end then i did before I watched it. Even with him being so sweet explaining everything. haha...but I know it was because I would stare at the tv...but none of it would even go through my head. Cuz all Id be thinking is wow Im holding him. and I get to know him. and touch him. and it was like the best feeling ever. But yeah he stayed here tell like 630 am...and even then I didn't want him to leave haha...but we had been like starting to fall asleep.
So today at worked I missed him really bad cuz I kept smelling like...a clean smell like soap and it smelled exactly like him and i was like f;askldjfal;skdjfalskdjf i need to hold ronn! ahh. haha..ee.
But luckly I got to see him tonight again because he came over after his band practice and we playeeeed. Nana and james were here for a little while...but it was cool. Me and Ronn went out on the grass though and talked for a long time...then james came out and we just hung out for a while, then took him home then Ronn and I went to walmart and bought a dvd he wanted and came back and watched it and aalskdjfasl;dkfj I just love being able to hold him and kiss him. more then anything. Hes seriously incredible and gorgeous and I love everything about him. He makes me so happy=] and I want to be able to always make him as happy as possible, because he deserves it more then anyone.
I love you Ronn<3

I feeeel wierd.
I dont think about it much. But when I do its lame.
I was always there for you. And I did always care for you.
Even during hard times. I do still care for you. It would just hurt more to be around you. Because there is somethign inside of me that will always want to be with you a little, even if i tried to ignore it. So its easier to not see you being with someone else. Easier to not be friends now. But I will always care for you. and I wish you the best.

I dont think about it much for some reason though.
And I am really happy:]

So there are so many poeple I dont want to know anymore. and Most people I dont think I want to ever get to know.
But then there are those ones who are amazing:]
And they make me soo happy.

heh.

I love Syvanna.
Extremly.
I love the fact that after so many years...what like 9 now...I can still say she is my best friend.
Ive had my grudges against her. And we arn't the same at all. Which is why we had problems, because we are so diffrent. But shes always been the greatest person in my life and always has been the one who never did anything to hurt me like everyone else. I went through stupid times though just because we wern't into the same things. Shes always been such an amazing friend.
There is absolutly noone that could be better then her. I love her so much.

I love Barbenly too. I miss her like oh my gee. whoa. I want her to comeee home like...now. haha.
Shes so fun and I can't wait to be able to live by her again cuz now i do:) and play wif her all the time! yayayayayyayaay.
Come home bah!

Ive also been hanging around just the people I used to like...CLEAR back in the day when everythign was fun. and we were just all friends and hung out and had no freaking relashionship drama.

My friend James...ive been friends with sence 7th grade and him me syvanna hayley billy and blah blah would play like every day and every weekend. It was sooo fun.

Anyway so James has been calling me at least every other night. and we talk on the phone forever. Just about random stuff. And I absolutly love it because...most guys I talk on the phone to for hours...we have like...crushes or feelings towards each other. Otherwise its not that fun to talk to someone on the phone for hours. But james and I...arn't like that its so easy and fun. Like we've been freinds for so long...and like...we are both insane haha. So we can sit and talk for hours about everything and anything and its tottaly cool. and there are no like...."i like you" feelings you know. Just like ..you're an amazing friend feelings. Its awesome.

So me him and syvanna all played yesturday haha. We were like little kids. Oh my gosh it was fun.
K so we went to the carnival and stood in freaking LONG ahh lines (which were completely fun cuz...we are cool) and rode funn rides and it was like a;sldkjfasldkfj neat.
Then we went home to mah house and we sit on my bed and just talked forever. Like back in the day. Us three are soo freaking cool haha. Its disgussting.
Anyway so then we went to village in at like...1am...and got coffee and we sit there tell they closed just talking and being really random and stupid like we were like freaking 14 again haha.
Somehow I even got "I love penis" written on my hand. hahaha. and nana got a glass of milk drawn on hers. Then I forgot to wash it off before work and a customer saw and it was like the funniest thing ever. but longggg freaking story.
So I didn't get to sleep tell like 5 am haha.
Yeah so then james called me again today and we talked again and yeah. Its just amazing to have the friends back you used to. Like we all just united or whatever because we hate everyone else and we us three just click so well together.
So we are going to playyy morrow I think. And then on friday cuz we all have the day off then too.
Oh and its awesome cuz james works right next to me haha. woot.

Anyway so im also having a lot of fun like meeting new friends.

It seems like all of them are there for me way more then the "friends" I had recently.
And Im so glad for that. they are so amazing.
Specially Jonny. I freakin love that kid. Hes so flipping cute<3.
We are going to play and hold hands. woot.
and and and greg. and his little indie selfff.
and and and and...I love you guys:)

Immmm happy:]

And no one can hurt me like before.
Because I know that who I am now deserves better then that.
Im confident with that.

<3

So life is crazy.

Everything I had planned out tottaly came crashing down.
But its ok.

Brady and I broke up.
At first it hurt more then anything. It was the hardest time Ive ever had to deal with EVER.
It still hurts of course. But Im good:).

I dont really feel like writing all what happened.
Just now. Its ok.

I love Brady. I really do. Still. A lot.
I mean I was with him for over a year. and we pretty much had always a good relashionship.
and I must say, he was the most wonderful boyfriend I could of ever imagined.
He really was.

and Its not that I dont ever think Id want to be with him again, because I do.
Right now things are hard tho.
And he is going to try and do things he really needs to.
And I really hope he can:)
and I know he can, because I believe in him and he is really strong.

I would want to be with him in the future. I really would. Because we do go together great.
And we are good. When sircumstances are good.
And things could work out. and i love him more then ive ever loved anyone. and still do.

But its not what we want right now, not how we are right now.
And thats ok.
Hopefully he will do good in california.

We want to still be best friends and hopefully it all works out:)
We talked ealier today for a whiel and it was good.

Im scared because tyler is being his best friend right now.
When truthfully im here for him just as much as tyler is...its just I couldn't hang out with him in person for a whiel cuz it hurt to bad.
But im ok now.
So it doesn't hurt like that to hang out with him.
It just hurts now that we arn't being as good of friends.
So hopefully we can again.
We are going to try:)
Hes supposed to call me tonight.
I really hope he does because I want to talk to him a lot.
I want to be his best friend.
I had been for over a year.
that would be rediculous to give up.

Ive been spending a lot of time with my mom tho.
But thats ok, its been fun for the most part.
And ive been doing things i want to.

I also have a really great friend that is so amazing to talk to and helps me out a lot:)
Hes really helped me get through everything well.

I talked to him for 7 1/2 hours straight the night before last.
and the night before that for four hours.
Its really fun. We talk about the most random things but then again we talk about things that help me out.
He is such an amazing person and amazing friend to have right now.

Im trying to get away from weed and alcohol and all that.
and i have been.
But most of my friends (well the ones I like to hang out with most just do that when they hang out)
and so its hard for me. Cuz its like what do i do?
Im tryign to better myself.
But yeah hes great with that because he doesn't do any of that. but its not like hes hateful towards it.

The only thing that sucks is he goes to school, then works all night. full time.
But some how we still get to talk a lot which is good.
Its good he does all that though. He sticks with it. and I dont know what teenager could handle trying to graduate, and working full time...but hes done it for a logn time now i guess.

So this journal is soo serious and like cheesey its starting to bug me haha.
Ive been soo hyper lately:)
its cool..

Hmmm. well i will end this. I want to play with people! so call me ok.

I love you guys.

Ugh k this is dumb.
So liek eyah i agree with brady we should figure everythign out and like do stuff we are supposed to.
We need to get jobs and do stuff that we enjoy.
but like i hate relizing stuff when talkign to other pepole.
Liek people will be talkign to me about their relashionships and problems.
Like justin is sitting here telling me how lindsey always thinks he checks people out and visa versa.
ok most every relashionship is like that.
But brady and I wouldnt of thought liek either of us was ever checking anyone out.
Max was telling me about how felicia took pictures of her in her bra and underware and gave to him and promised she woudlnt' show anyone.
Then he saw them on her myspace.
Neither me or brady would ever do any of that.
Jed didn't believe syvanna when she said only sterling had kissed her.
If i told brady someone kissed me but i didn't kiss back, or he told me that. We'd believe each other.
Its kind of rediculous how many people are still together and like they dont even have that much trust or
any of the things Brady and I had.
But yet we are the ones on a break.
I just think thats kind of messed up.

The stupid thing is the things that was really depressed me was liek not having a job. not doing anything. sitting in the apartment. not going anywhere in life really at the moment you know.
and being high all the time made us not as much ourselves.
But brady himself when not high...when it was just us...and like i got him out of his stressed mood.
That wasn't depresseing.
We'd roll around on the front room floor or whatever.
and that was fun.
It sucks to think that everything got depressing that we have to question our relashionship instead of just life.

Im not the one in the bad here.
Well no one is. I dont knwo why i felt like i did somethign wrong or something?
Me being worried about the person I love being too stressed is not bad.
Me being a little upset before about the person that was always there to comfort me wasn't showing me any affection isn't bad either.
I just hope everythings ok.
oh and if you read this, this isn't the journal I said to read, its the one before this.

bleeeh.
Sorry ive been being a pain in the butt.
all emotional and stuff.
Ive just been worried about you.
Because I care about you and love you.
It sucks that you have to be so stressed and basicly take it all on yourself.
Thats why i want to help so bad.
I know its annoying me being all emotional about it and stuff tho.
So I wont be anymore.
Even tho I will still worry about you being stressed, ill just try not to as much.
I figured thats been on your mind a lot lately, and thats also why i had been sad before
cuz i was worried about you.
I love you baby.
Everything will be fine.

dodododododo.
Sooooooo. I discovered i atcually do like brand new.
Yeauh, i know, crazy.
cha.
I have been listening to them today and its happy music..
well to me. so shhh.
Hmmp. I miss Karen and Ashley and Tyler and stuffff
I need to not always get high around them.
Cuz I get so out of it that i dont talk.
But I want to cuz i luff Karen and Ashley.
And cuz I had been sad soemtiems lately.
Cuz of the whole like when brady wasnt really showing me very much affection.
So that makes me sad and not care to talk.
Or do anything.
so cha.
But im good now.
and uggggh. I miss Brady! hes so adorable.
But he had to go to take his dad to the airport and such.
Hopefully that doesn't make him all sadd or whatever.
Cuz then cha. Suck.
So im soo bored. I want to go shopping.
and get pants and makeup and stuff.
But i hate buying makeup cuz eyeshadow always sucks.
I need karen with me or something.
cha.
So um I really like this new theme on my puter. its coo.
and plain and stuff. horrah.
hmmm. I really wanna take interior design classes or soemthign right now.
I love it so much.
But i dont wanna like start college or anythign right now...
I just wanna like take those classes.
But i woudln't know how to go about that? Ill try and figure it out tho.
I miss Brady.

So cha.
Im happy yay.
My last journals were all sad. atcually all my journals are sad. cuz I normally only write them when I'm upset about something because its an easy way of figureing out my own feelings.
So I guess I was doing somet hings that bugged brady and he had been doing some things that bugged me. Not like major things. just little. But Brady let all of his build up and never expressed them to me. So when I got mad at him the other day he freaked out and kinda thought of all the stuff that had bugged him and just got really emotional and didn't know what he wanted anymore at all.
So it was basicly like last time...like he was thinking wheater he wanted to be with me or not.
But to me thats like...we are broken up and hes thinking about wheater he wants us to get back together or osmething.
Just because of how bad it hurts.
So I hung out with barbenly and gen and stuff all day. But it kinda just made me more depressed. and I broke out crying a lot.
Well the next day we played and we kept looking at each other a lot and staring and stuff. and we both appoligized and he finally just grabbed me and started hugging me and stuff. and we were together:D. and it was soooo freaking happy.
and those things do make you a lot a lot closer.
Anyway that day was so fun. Like we were being all clingy and we went out and sit on the sidewalk together for a long time just talking and playing. it was fun. I love him so much.
But cha so we decided he just really needs to tell me when things are bugging him instead of letting them build up. and I am changing the things that did bug him.
Anyway. so we'eve been getting high a lot the last two months. and yeah its fun. but I really wanna hang out with everyone...not high.
Like the last few days ive relized i really like not being high because yeah its funner to be around brady that was...cuz hes more affectionate and himself and sooo nice when hes not high because he isnt like distracted by his thoughts and everything.
Not saying hes bad at all when hes high, cuz I like him then too:)
heh.
So me and barbenly are up at its 4 am wednesday night. Cuz I dont want to go to sleep cuz I have to wake up at 730 to go to my grandmas and watch the baby...and I KNOW I won't wake up if i go to sleep...so cha.
We are trying to occupy ourselves haha.
Brady is asleep being all freaking cute and stuff...and I just want to go grab him and eat him. Awww. I love him.
He is seroiusly the best most honest and true person i know.
I hate other people, cuz they are all fake.
But brady isnt:)
Awwww.
So cha.
sexxxxxxxx.
Oh my flip i want to have sex! We got more condoms today! YES!
Barbenly is doing a 500 question survey...hahhahaha.
the end.
that shows our bordeum does it not?
Id say so.
So leahs birthday is soon!
I want to get her somethign and see her.
I wish she didn't feel like...uncomfortable around everyone cuz we really all just wanna play with her and love it when she talks so she should do it a lot.
The end.
Yes, its true leah...talk:)
cuz we luf you.
ummm.
I wish liz had a live journal!
She was supposed to play with us today but it ende dup just me tyler and barb and brady. woohoo.
and im tottaly not high anymore so shush...
Um cha. Tired? yes. freak yes.

Brady I have to go for a while and you arn't responding on messenger so i just want you to read this k. All those journals about when ive been upset....ive just been upset and obsurd when i write them. All girls get upset and think way out of their mind when they are feeling down by the person they love. All my journals when im upset are completely irrational and i was atcually thinking i needed to delete them earlier today. The only one i ment for you to read was this most recent one and i wanted you to read the part about kortni cuz it was good to talk to someone whos been there you know. But yeah. I jsut want you to know like. You didn't ever lie to me all the tiem like most opeople in relashionships do. You didn't treat me bad. If i was sick you took care of me. If you were sick I took care of you. Everyone has their problems with themselves and yours arn't that big. I knwo you may be confused about what you want to do with your life but who isn't right now. Everyone has to work through things its just a part of life. It doesn't matter if you are completely a better person right now. You can take as much time as youw ant to grow and be who you want to be brady. But I do love you and I do want to be with you and if you awnt we can grow together. Not that we have to get married...but I do love you and I do think its worth working through right now becuase you do mean so much to me because you are such a great person. I just wish you could see how great you are. Anyway the main point of this is just to say you are a good person and yeah everyone has their faults, but everyone has to get over them k. I love you. I hope you work things out in your head for what you want, and you don't have to listen to me i promise ha.. i just wish you'd relize how great you are!